“Umlaut”, aptly named for the German symbol (two dots) over any vowel in the German alphabet, is my cat.  I did not know he was my cat until my daughter Hannah presented him to me after she and her mother went to a fancy cat breeder. Umlaut had been designated as a “non-show cat” by his owner and breeder.  He is an exotic shorthair, which is a cross between a Persian and an American Shorthair. Being part Persian, and with a flat face, he came with very small nostrils. In fact, the vet when checking him said, “Umlaut is like the cat-form of a Bulldog. If you would like this fixed so he can breathe better, we can do this surgery for him for $1000.” Since the cat only cost $200, not being a show cat, and doing the math with the nose job costing five times as much as the cat, I determined we would deal with the nose.

This would be okay, except leaving Umlaut with abnormally small nostrils has produced two problems for him and us:  First, the cat snores famously. I once blamed my loud snoring on Umlaut, who was asleep under my bed when the children recorded me one night to show me how bad my snoring is.  I told them I was not sure if they had recorded Umlaut or me, so I declared the jury is still out on how bad my snoring actually is. In actual fact, I have never heard myself snoring once, but my wife testifies against me, as well as all the children. On vacation, we always obtain at least two different bedrooms, separated by a great wall or door, so “we all can sleep in peace.”  My wife tolerates the snoring, but I do not know how. And yes, I do have a CPAP machine, but I get terrible sinus infections every time I use it.

The other problem Umlaut the cat has is that he sneezes regularly.  Apparently, not only does he snore famously, but he is full of snot. Further, he has an asthma attack from time to time. I have thought to record his sneezing and put in on an Internet video for “YouTube”, but I would like our family to be famous for something other than a sneezing, snotty cat.

Umlaut can be heard coming from a long distance due to his asthmatic breathing (no mice for him)!  When he decides finally to clear the ole nostrils, having observed him many times, he leans his head backwards looking up at the ceiling and when he sneezes moves his head into the forward facing position so the yellow, sticky snot can fly from his nose across the room in all directions.  I have observed him sneezing on furniture and things at least six feet from his nose or more.  As a result, my wife regularly issues the call to the children for “snot patrol.”  She hands everyone a white scrubbing sponge and demands they police all the walls in all the rooms downstairs.  We have banned Umlaut from the upstairs so he cannot sneeze on the walls in our bedrooms.  We have found snot on the walls, on the leather couch, on the television screen, and many other places, which by the way can sometimes be six feet above the floor! According to my daughter, once he even managed to sneeze in her eye.

If we are swift of feet, we can catch the sneeze and its forthcoming snot with a paper towel and clean the cat’s face as it occurs.  But as I have testified, this does not happen often.

The other problem this cat has is that he gets upset whenever he does not get what he wants. Getting upset provokes an asthma attack, and an asthma attack often precedes a really powerful and prolonged sneezing fit. Umlaut believes he owns the whole house.  We bought a dog bed for the dogs to sleep in before being crated for the night. Immediately after Dorothy placed the bed in the den, Umlaut declared ownership!  Not only does he lie down in it, he sprawls out in such a way nothing else can enter. Our Corgi will sometimes boot the cat out.  But the Boykin spaniel, Petunia, cowers when Umlaut stands up defending the dog bed.  I witnessed the cat chasing Petunia out of the den and into the back part of the house when Petunia got too close to the dog’s bed, now referred to lovingly as “Umlaut’s throne.”

Occasionally, it is necessary to banish Umlaut from one of the downstairs rooms.  Whenever Umlaut is banished from anything he sincerely desires, we know an asthma attack and sneezing snot-fit are not far behind.  I will leave for another time to recount how Umlaut farts on various family members who upset him. It is such a delicate subject, I do not yet know how to speak about it in polite company!

However, my dear friends, a new chapter is dawning among the menagerie of animals inhabiting our home.  My daughter decided she needed a new puppy, whom I call “Little Dog”, which is an apt term for him now at 9 weeks old.  He weighs about 18 pounds, is grey with short hair.  Hannah obtained “Little Dog” from a Great Dane breeder in South Carolina.  I do not know anything about the different breeds of dogs except they normally have different colors of hair, different textures of hair and different sizes of dogs.  I have been told by my daughter that “Little Dog” will become “Big Dog”, but that he is gentle and normally only wants to sit on your lap.  I can see this working out when “Little Dog” is a puppy, as now.  But what happens when the dog becomes bigger?  That will be interesting to see when it occurs.  I will need to let you know later about that!

Umlaut’s reception for this new creature, “Little Dog”, entering the home was not pleasant.  If fact, after observing the puppy for only a few seconds, the cat went straight up to “Little Dog” and tried to bite him on the neck!  My daughter says Umlaut is trying to “establish dominance” when the puppy is small, so when larger “Big Dog” won’t carry Umlaut around in his mouth. If Little Dog’s mouth grows to be large like his feet already are, Umlaut will be in trouble soon!

In any case, Umlaut is now temporarily banned from the den and the dog’s bed.  Hannah has a new dog bed she purchased for Little Dog and a new watering bowl.  Blue pads which soak up things are placed strategically about the den.  Both entrances to the den are now blocked for a week or so until Little Dog becomes comfortable in his new surroundings.  Born from a litter of eleven puppies, I watched as Little Dog tried to nurse my daughter’s robe, apparently missing his mother. So, in deference to Little Dog’s special needs, new arrangements have been made in our home.

So the story which starts out with Umlaut ends with Little Dog.  I will let you know if anything new develops in the saga of Umlaut, Little Dog, Petunia, Buddy the Corgi, and Riley the sweet cat.  If Umlaut is the negative cat principle, Riley is the positive.  There could not be two more different individuals in the same home.  Riley has leaned to jump straight up to the TV cabinet housing the TV screen.  He finds solitude and safety sitting above Umlaut observing the world below.  Umlaut patrols the earth; Riley patrols the sky, and so all is right in the world of the cats.  Little Dog is as yet an unknown quantity.  I suspect he will patrol and have dominance over all the couches, but then, what do I know about animals, especially a new one in the home called “Little Dog”.