“Ben’s Big Burp”

Ben related a story which comes out of Marlboro County, SC.  Ben and Hannah were attending Marlboro Academy, Ben was in 9^th grade and Hannah in the 6^th grade.  Ben reports that a foreign exchange student was leaving their school to go back to France and the school gave a party for her before she left.  Ben and a few other guys were assigned the task of cleaning up after the party.  Apparently, some Dr. Pepper and other colas were left over.  Being a frugal young lad, and not one to waste soft drinks, Ben poured out 15 ounces of soda into a large cup.  He was holding it when a teacher was reported to be coming down the hall. Seeking to get rid of any evidence quickly, Ben guzzled the whole 15 ounces of Dr. Pepper quickly, all in one big gulp.

The teacher looked through the window in the door, checking on every one cleaning up, saw nothing suspicious and went on down the hall.  About that time Ben reports he opened his mouth and the largest burp he has ever produced bar none erupted like a volcano spewing from his mouth.  “Bur-r-rr—rr—rr—rr—rr—rrr-p!” came suddenly out.

Per report, as confirmed by Hannah, who spoke to an eye witness at the time in her English class two doors removed, the teacher of the English class upon hearing this loud noise, stopped completely, ran out into the hall to consult with the other teachers to determine where the explosion has occurred.  No one could say what had just occurred.  Some blamed a sonic boom from a plane passing overhead, others some kind of bomb going off, still others thought something in the building had exploded.

Ben reports those still with him in the class came up and shook his hands, congratulating him on such an extraordinary burp.  It fully captured the imagination of all who witnessed it, even those who previously had disliked him, per my son’s account!

Hannah was ill that day, so the report came to her by text from a classmate at school, who reported “some kind of bomb went off” in the school, but “everyone is mystified!”

Hannah reports she figured out that it must have been Ben after she correlated the time of her English class (which she had missed due to illness) and the time of the party for the young woman returning home to France.

Both speak of this story until this day, some 14 years later, as one of the most eventful days ever experienced in their school.  Whenever they tell the story, they laugh until they cry.

I once attempted to record one of Ben’s infamous burps so as to place it as a greeting on my home answering machine.   I imagined it would be a memorable surprise to call our home and be greeted with a loud “Bur-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-p.”  “This is the ________ residence, please leave a message after the beep…”  However, my wife interrupted my scheme, citing something about common decency and “do you want people to think we are rednecks?” so I was forced to drop the plan.

However, Ben has come up with a much better greeting than that, which he uses regularly with unwanted callers:  “Hello, this is Mule Barn.  Head Jackass speaking!”  Per Ben’s reports he has used this successfully many times when calls come to the house from places as yet unknown!

Daddy B.  Proud Jackass among all the other Jackasses in our home.