“Albus”

My wife has purchased a new cat, who is gray with black stripes.  Don’t ask me what type of cat he is, but he has soft hair.  I have only been able to rub his head twice since he arrived about three weeks ago, because he is always hiding.  He is about five months old and apparently easily frightened.  He stayed with an older woman who raises cats to sell, and per report of Dorothy, lived with thirteen other cats in one house.  Some people like cats more than is natural to do.  The previous owner is one of those people.

“Albus” will allow Dorothy to pick him up, rub his head and play with him, as a reasonable cat should do.  As for me, he hides somewhere under one of our beds.  “Albus” is the first creature of any kind who has ever been allowed in the upstairs and also in our bedroom.  Actually, he lives across the hall in my son’s old bedroom.  Ben is no longer here, as he lives in Wisconsin, doing important things with computers, so I am told.  So “our” new cat lives in the other bedroom, except during the day when all the upstairs doors are opened, he is free to roam.  I have seen him twice when I am upstairs, except Dorothy knows how to find him, as he comes out when she calls.

Now, I thought it very odd that Dorothy, who never lets any animals into our bedroom, now allows this new cat to roam free upstairs.  Since our house has two levels, not even our cat Umlaut, who is about 14 years old, has been allowed upstairs.  Dorothy advises me this new condition is so Albus will get familiar to the home.  This is apparently working, as today, for the first time, Albus was placed downstairs as well. He and our other cat Umlaut had the run of the downstairs for almost all the day.  Apparently this went well, as Albus even found his way to Unlaut’s cat box, a sign of real success.

I relate this tale of two cats in our home to provide the context for what happened to me yesterday, that is, Friday afternoon.  Having worked hard and long this week, when I finally completed all necessary and reasonable tasks, I came home and found my way to our bed upstairs for what I considered to be a well-deserved and well-needed nap.  This has been a brutal week, with so much type A flu.  I laid down on the bed, on top of the covers, except we have a brown throw blanket I pulled over the lower part of my body just to warm a little.  Friday afternoon, every other week, I have as my half day off, except for hospital call.  After sleeping rather soundly for almost forty minutes, the hospital called with a patient call, which I sat up in the bed to take.  Following this call, I laid down again, hoping to sleep a few more minutes before Dorothy came home for the evening.

Suddenly, and for no reason I could fathom, I begin to smell cat “poo” in as strong a fashion as I had ever smelt it before.  The smell was rancid, bitter, and burned my eyes.  I could even taste this smell in my mouth!  I could not imagine why this occurred, except I surmised Albus had some massive defecation in his cat box in the other bedroom.  But I could not imagine why the smell was so strong in my room across the hall!

For a time, I lay on the bed with the throw blanket over my body and I pulled it even up on my left shoulder.  The rancid odor continued and seemed to worsen.  Five minutes or so went by and I decided something was very wrong.  I got out of the bed and looked around for the cat, who was not to be found.  I then lifted up the brown, throw blanket to check it and something brown and green, about the size of a Vienna sausage fell out on the bed.  “Oh my God,” I said to myself.  “I have been sleeping next to cat ____!”  I will not put the word in this family oriented article, but it starts with an s and has 4 letters.

I quickly got some toilet paper, retrieved the prize Albus had deposited on my brown blanket and quickly flushed it down the toilet.  I felt the odor would begin to subside.  But it did not subside, instead it remained as strong as before.  So I started taking off my clothes, jacket, shirt, pants…it all went to the washing machine downstairs.  I came back to the bedroom upstairs to obtain new underwear for my shower, when I decided to check under the blanket again.  It was then I found what I hoped not to find.  Another brownish green cat item, except this one was not round but flattened and out of round, not the normal shape or size.  I was horrified!  When I rolled over to get my phone to answer the hospital call, I disturbed something which then radically disturbed me! The sudden burst of rank and rancid odor which left me speechless and gasping for good air had apparently spread somewhere on me!  Like very thick peanut butter, it had layered itself down.  I checked myself again and that’s when I found the spot, right behind and below my left ear, on the side of my neck!

All the clothes came off rather hurriedly and I made a quick dash to the shower.  Twenty minutes later when I felt scrubbed sufficiently and properly cleansed, I no longer could find the smell.  New underwear, a new shirt, new pants, even new socks….God I felt like a renewed man!  And, of course the blanket and the bedspread all went down to the lower floor for a complete washing.  The second cat prize was also summarily flushed down the toilet.

I related this all to my wife as we were preparing to go out for our evening meal, looking for some type of sympathy.  This is Valentine’s weekend after all.  We picked a local restaurant and planned to dine sumptuously.  Dorothy said, in response to my story of suffering and woe, “Well obviously Albus was bored and needs to be brought downstairs to have time with the other animals.”  But I wondered, if rather, Albus was telling me what he really thought about having a man sleeping in the bed he had now claimed as his own!  He apparently likes Dorothy, but I don’t believe he really likes me!  I have never before been jealous of a cat…

I do know one thing and this is sure and certain, “Albus” is now permanently banned from our bedroom!  Let him have the whole house except this one room!  I cannot sleep in a bed if a cat has been there ahead of me!

So when I leave Monday morning for my work, as I am the last one to leave our home, our bedroom door will be closed, not open!  Albus may have the rest of the house, but I will retain at least one room of my own!  As my grandfather told me years ago, and I now believe as well, “a man deserves at least one room of peace and quiet in his home!”

Bill W.